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Blog post

Depression

I wanted to write a bit of flashfic featuring dragons, but that isn't happening today.

If you don't want to read about depression, including examples of negative self-talk, stop here.

OK?

OK.

You know what sucks? A lot of things, but right now I'm thinking of a sort of vicious cycle.

My mood is down. That means my energy is down, or else my inertia is up, meaning I need more energy to get started on anything. So I sit there knowing that I will feel better if I get something done (for example, cleaning the kitchen, or cooking a nice meal, or when it's particularly bad, getting a glass of water), but having trouble getting started.

And then I start beating up myself for being so stupid and lazy and weak, and "It's JUST THAT LITTLE thing, you CAN do it, you're such a stupid little loser for not doing it", which all is fundamentally unhelpful, because now I am distracted and need to expend more energy and time on contradicting that metaphorical voice in my head telling me I'm a waste of space and everybody hates me because I'm so pathetic.

I know intellectually that's rubbish, but knowing that does not help, because being depressed is not something I chose to do, it is something my brain forces on me against my will. (So, for the love of kittens, don't tell someone who's depressed they "just need to decide to be happy". I can't put into words how hurtful it is to have someone assume you are depressed because you chose to be, when you are in a constant fight against the hateful self-talk your own brain runs against you, anyway.)

Things used to be way worse for me than they are now; I'm doing pretty fine most of the time these days, but occasionally I get a weekend or two on which stuff just gets overwhelming. And I know that it will pass. It'll most likely be back, but it's manageable, and life is pretty nice most of the time.

Depression lies. That's one of the most helpful sentences I've heard on the topic.

Blog tags: A to Z 2015